Humor!

[Reitse]

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[Ewout Schalkwijk]

 

[viking_in_shorts]

[t5karel]

"1,8 kr 16v mit garrett gt3076r aus dem golf 2eingetragen..100 zellen kat, grosse bremse, gehärtete lagerschalen ,h-schaft pleule, mahle schmiedekolben usw. tüv und eintragungen vorhanden...der geht ab wie die kapelle vom schützenfest..nur ernsthafte interessen und kein Gelaber.labern kann ich selber...nehme auch keine Kamele oder esel inzahlung;-) nur Bargeld in euros.nix Backsteine...probefahrt ist möglich...
das auto wiegt 900 kg im Gegensatz zu den neuen kisten .."

[henry classic v70]

Wat kan Duits toch een heerlijke recht voor z'n raap-taal zijn

[ZC3rr0r]

"1,8 kr 16v mit garrett gt3076r aus dem golf 2eingetragen..100 zellen kat, grosse bremse, gehärtete lagerschalen ,h-schaft pleule, mahle schmiedekolben usw. tüv und eintragungen vorhanden...der geht ab wie die kapelle vom schützenfest..nur ernsthafte interessen und kein Gelaber.labern kann ich selber...nehme auch keine Kamele oder esel inzahlung;-) nur Bargeld in euros.nix Backsteine...probefahrt ist möglich...
das auto wiegt 900 kg im Gegensatz zu den neuen kisten .."

Heerlijk dat Duits zo af en toe

[Domaso]

[T-5Richard]

Nee, geen filmpje, geen plaatje.
Maar wel een GE-WEL-DI-GE advertentie waarin een 850R wordt aangeboden via CraigsList  

Toegegeven, het is een stukje text en in het engels. Maar voor diegenen die dat voldoende beheersen kostelijk leesvoer.
Dit is hoe je een Rrroffel te koop aanbied: (originele link) Oh ja, OBO=Or Best Offer

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1996 Volvo 850R-white with cream interior made from the beasts of Europeprime panda scheme candidate.

Price:$$$$ALL YOUR BASE or 4000 dollars American Wtfbbqlinebreak

This baby is at 218 thousand miles now, and increasingly more miles are being driven in sport mode. (was 30k, but now its more, obviously)

Hokay, so, don't call asking about miles, because its in the ad, comments like "oh, well the miles are kinda high" will not be tolerated. This Volvo will smoke the doors off of e30 m3's in econ mode and will blow a passenger door off of e46's from a 60 roll, cause this thing is a highway monster. You'll surely be the king of streets, (no king status if your streets are run by Tokyo drifters, this is fwd)

If you want a fast car that is safe for your offspring choose this vehicle. You wife will love all the creature comforts but have no idea that the turbo 5cyl (wtf sweedes!??) is actually a large montana ranch that keeps over 240 horses.

Have you ever been to sea-fair and seen the Blue angels fly by? That is what this bad boy sounds like once you hit full boost and wastegates like whoa open up! I love this car, and have been commuting in it for a long time, but I am sick and tired of getting hit on by milfs in their sexual prime because they think I'm some suave interwebs mogul as I am rearranging my golf clubs to fit more groceries in the massive trunk (yes, you could fit a bike in it). It can also fit at least 2 red haired persons <150 lbs

This car has 218k miles, Wat? 218k miles 218k miles 218k miles 218k miles 218k miles 218k miles 218k miles.

Do not call asking about miles, it is stated in this ad like 9 times (less than last time), If you don't know that Volvos go to like half a million miles without maintenance than your personal savior must be modern medicine and your ignorance would have been the death of you in the middle ages. DO not call if this is you.

Although the miles seem high there is very little wrong, the work has been done by a DSM driver of who's dsm still runs, which speaks volumes more than some silly ASE certification. The marvelous Swedes designed this car, supposedly Volvos are born from space shuttles, which make them a little bit better than their retarded cousin the Saab (which was only born from jets :rolleyes: ) I would not recommend buying this vehicle for ghostriding purposes.

Right now it has some sort of kuhmo tires, probably all seasons, which are siped for uber traction. I took out the front tweeters and put in better door speakers cause Volvo sucks at making speakers. I highly recommend coming to look at the car before you decide to lowball the crap out of me. So, I'm not gonna say OBO, cause maybe I'm not OBO, but maybe I'm thinking OBO, but who knows. This car is rad, but speaking of rads, the radiator has a freaking leak and I don't want to spend 200 bucks to get a new one. It will for sure drive to seattle without the coolant res low light coming on. Did it last weekend.

[Justin-850]

Lolled about: "Your wife will love all the creature comforts but have no idea that the turbo 5cyl is actually a large montana ranch that keeps over 240 horses."

[The Volvoboy]

[Domaso]

[-D©©©L-]

 

http://www.volvo850forum.nl/index.php/topic,64751.0.html

[elianmars]

http://www.volvo850forum.nl/index.php/topic,64751.0.html

Da's toch voor de centrale vergrendeling? 

[MVeldhuis]

Hij liegt niet, tis een controller kastje en hij is van abs

[blauweroffel]

http://www.volvo850forum.nl/index.php/topic,64751.0.html

Da's toch voor de centrale vergrendeling?  

Ik heb geen idee..... er staat abs op en ik weet niet meer hoe ik er aan kom.
Vandaar ook mijn vraag: wie doe ik hier een plezier mee.....
Maar als het voor de CV is dan pas ik de adv tekst wel even aan edit: gebeurd....

Ik gooi niks weg, dus dit ook niet...
Heb Ben van de week nog een plezier gedaan (hoop ik althans) met een voor mij onbekende armsteun.
Had m al een paar keer bijna in de kliko gegooid, totdat ik erachter kwam dat ie uit een 240 kwam

dus dit kastje gooi ik niet weg, dus...

Br


BR